Saturday, September 29, 2007

Betty's Back (Contains Spoilers)


The first season of Ugly Betty ended with a number of crises... it was refreshing to see that Santos survived the shooting at the end of Season One.

Except...

He didn’t. It was all inside Hilda’s mind.

I suspected it all along... after all, why would they stay trapped in a room alone when Santos couldn’t even perform the Viva Viagra dance (formerly known as the Horizontal Cha Cha).

And yes, straight men DO watch this show.

That is primarily because the Emmy® winning America Ferrerra is looking hotter than ever. Those fake braces and thick glasses can’t hide the fact that her hot body is even hotter!

Friday, September 28, 2007

Things You Learn When You Have Sons

  1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.

  2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

  3. A 3-year old Boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

  4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tie d to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

  5. You should not throw baseballs up! when t he ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fa n as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

  6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

  7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.

  8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

  9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.

  10. Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

  11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

  12. Super glue is forever.

  13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

  14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

  15. VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

  16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

  17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

  18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

  19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

  20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

  21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

  22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

  23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

  24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

  25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The Unit


I was hooked on David Mamet’s Soldier of Fortune drama, “The Unit” from the pilot episode.

Dennis Haysbert (24’s former POTUS) leads a crack team of military mercenaries under the command of that guy from Terminator 2.

The second season begins with the Unit not fighting foreign terrorists but running from their own countrymen. Interesting twist, isn’t it?

I particularly like Haysbert’s new look. People will start thinking that I’m him.

If only I had his paycheck...

Monday, September 24, 2007

Oops... She Did It Again...

In the words of Harvey Birdman...

Sigh...

I heard on the news that pop princess Britney Spears committed a hit-and-run accident while driving with a suspended license.

Reports are that she could get up to one year in jail.

But that is one year for us regular folk. For a celebutante, that would be, oh... a minute.

Does that mean that K-Fed will get the kids?

Maybe Angelina Jolie could adopt them?

In the words of Harvey Birdman...

Sigh...

R.I.P. Marcel Marceau



As a youngster, I remember watching Marcel Marceau do his mime act on television.

We rolled around on the floor laughing as we would mimic the movements of his character Bip.

The world lost another great entertainer. We are sad to see him go and hope that he is at peace.

Friday, September 21, 2007

K-Ville

A show about post-Katrina New Orleans could be considered long overdue. But, given the quality of the pilot episode... perhaps the could have waited a little longer?

Anthony Anderson is the face that turns up everywhere. From Scorcese’s The Departed to Michael Bay’s Transformers. This is his second television series and we hope it lasts longer than his first.

But, again, it is all about the writing. The idea of a cop who drinks on the job pairing with an escaped convict pretending to be a cop is new and quite unusual. We mostly want to see our beloved N’Awlins in something a bit longer lasting than the 50’ show Bourbon Street Beat (which pretended to be in the Big Easy) and Larry Hagman’s post-Dallas flop Orleans.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

A Hallmark Moment

Back in the cyber café, polishing the screenplay. My manager likes the concept... a cross between “Sex and the City” and “Ugly Betty.”

I’m just typing and reviewing away when I see a guy entering with his daughter.

She politely and quietly sits at a table while he fetches her carton of milk and chocolate cupcake.

I noticed something interesting.

While munching, this girl ignored everything else in the room and she had her eyes locked on her daddy as if he was the only important thing in the world.

Lucky guy.

Then, I thought about my Dad’s Realtor®, a guy in his 60’s who left his wife and married a younger woman... only to have another child.

He explained that when they are little, they run down the driveway yelling “DADDY!” and are so glad to see him. His youngest reached that age where she was like, “Dad, can you... like... just go away. You’re embarrassing me...”

He just wanted someone in the house who was happy to see him.

In retrospect, it may have been cheaper for him to just buy a dog.

Monday, September 17, 2007

OJ Faces 106 Years in Jail

Sung to the tune of “Time After Time” by Cyndi Lauper.

Watching the TV
I hear the anchor mention O.J.

It ain’t surprising
but this news is not okay

He’s back in jail; the second time
The ticking clock rewinds

OJ beat murder charges
he’s back in jail

Crime after crime

Though he walked they just caught him;
he’ll stay locked up

Crime after crime

Crime after crime
Crime after crime

So what his book came out
but Goldmans get all the loot

He went to Vegas
what he did just isn't cute

A century; without parole
Straight to jail, don't pass go

Thirteen years he got out with “not guilty” said

Crime after crime

With this crime he’ll stay in until he is dead

Crime after crime

Crime after crime
Crime after crime

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Dennis Der Menace


So I'm back at the cyber café and got a seat where no one could stare at my laptop screen over my shoulder. I am polishing the latest screenplay -- sort of a “Sex and the City meets Ugly Betty” comedy.

All is well until this tow-headed 3-year-old comes running through the place on an apparent Ritalin withdrawal. He plops down next to me and starts jumping up and down on the bench, then tap dancing, then slamming magazines all over the place. And, the smell suggests the little guy is not housebroken.

I and a few people seated nearby watch as he starts doing handstands on his table. I can see an injury coming.

The kid gets bored and runs over to his mother who says, “Go back over there and sit down.” I’m thinking, “Why, Lady? What’d I ever do to you?”

This continues for several minutes before she finally comes over and brings him a root beer and a cupcake with a strawberry baked inside and about 1½ inches of pink icing on top.

Great... just what the kid needs. More sugar!

The kid impulsively jumps up and starts to grab some books on a nearby shelf. The mother says in a deadpan monotone, “Sweetie, don’t touch anything with those dirty hands.” He returns to the seat and goes up and down, up and down, up and down! Every time he plops his rear end down, the dirty-diaper smell wafts my way.

I consider leaving when a couple Asian girls come by wearing halter tops and Daisy Duke shorts. Okay, maybe I’ll stay and enjoy watching them... if only I can go for 15 minutes without breathing.

The kid’s mother seemed oblivious to the smell, and just droned on in her monotone as the sugar leeched into his bloodstream and he began hyperactive fidgeting... which included sliding closer and closer to me.

Eeeeeeeeeee!

This is some sort of existential test, isn’t it?

Finally, the kid exits with his mother and the PH balance of the atmosphere slowly returns to normal. Now, I can stop writing this real-time blog and return to polishing the screenplay.

The Brave One


Warning... Spoilers below...


Looking at Jodie Foster on the big screen, I noticed a few things.


First, you look into her eyes and you see that precocious little girl who tormented Brandon Cruz on “The Courtship of Eddie's Father.”


Second, the close-ups on the 40-foot screen emphasizes the lines and crows feet that let you know that Jodie is no longer the little girl many of us grew up with.


Third, you see the brief nudity that lets you know that Jodie is still ship shape and Bristol fashion.


Finally, you see her unique talent as she takes the material to higher levels than any other actor might have.


I looked at the similarities between this film and its predecessor, “Death Wish.”


Death Wish (and its plenteous sequels) was pure macho... Chuck's wife was dead and his daughter catatonic from the horror of being raped. Chuck had some emotional investment in his character, but Jodie recreates the genre in amazing ways.


In The Brave One, a woman is not only violated but loses her beloved fiance and her dog.


Yes... loss of the dog was a critical plot point.


The emotional journey that Jodie's character travels, combined by the powerful (but brief) expository provided by Naveen Andrews... and of course the awesome support by Terrence Howard... makes this a must-see film.

I can’t wait for the sequel.

Friday, September 14, 2007

(Real) Snakes on a (Real) Plane

I finally got to see the Samuel L. Jackson film “Snakes on a Plane” and can understand why it did so poorly at the box office.

Where was Samuel when the Transportation Security Administration discovered snakes on an aircraft?

On a recent trip to South Beach Miami, I had an $80 lighter confiscated by the TSA. I watched an old woman lose a bottle of fancy perfume. So how did the snakes get past security?

Click here to read the full story...

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Revenge of the Nerds

Hokay, I wanted to hate this show so much but it was done so well. “Big Bang Theory” is a CBS comedy about two nerdy geniuses with a hot but stupid neighbor.

The pilot, written by Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady and directed by the great James Burrows, takes a tired old premise and turn it into something interesting. However, there are a few irritating things (other than the “sponsored by Cadillac” messages).

The two characters are Sheldon and Leonard. Granted, not everyone will unow who Sheldon Leonard is... maybe that is why it works. And since I never watched Dharma and Greg, Chuck Lorre’s tomes at the end of his shows are fresh especially when you have a TIVO -- invented by Chuck’s friend Schlomo Tivowitz.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Flying the Non-Diaphonous Skies



Did you see the story on MSNBC about the women who were forced to either leave their flights on Southwest Airlines or else cover up -- because their clothing was too skimpy?

That’s not the Southwest that I remember.

I flew from Biloxi MS to San Antonio years ago. The fun flight attendants gave me free wine and did this kewl joke.

A little girl boarded with one of those lifelike baby dolls. Well, the flight attendant borrowed it and went to the next section asking, “Excuse me, did someone lose their baby?”

As gasps broke out she shrugged, opened the overhead compartment, tossed the doll in and slammed the door.

THAT is my Southwest airlines... not this picking on women for wearing skimpy clothes.



Britney Spears VMAs 2007

I think a couple Midol® and a cup of coffee might have been in order before Britney decided to go out on stage and embarrass herself. But then again, if what she wanted was publicity, she got it. The expressions on the faces of the crowd... PRICELESS.

Women, Good. Men, Evil...



It was interesting to watch Mary Winkler on the Oprah Winfrey show.

You may recall from an earlier post that the wife of a Pastor shot her sleeping husband in the back and ran with her children for over 400 miles before they were caught thanks to an Amber alert.

During the trial, she said that her husband abused her. Of course, dead men can’t testify, and (also of course) everybody knows that men are bad and women are good. Even The Wall Street Journal confirms that society paints men as bad and women as good.

Yes, you can abuse your students in High School as long as you are a beautiful woman. The better you look, the shorter your sentence (assuming you even get a sentence).

Yes, you can shoot your husband as long as you accuse him of buying you white high heels and asking for sex in the heiney (gasp!).

Somewhere in the cosmos, Yakov Smirnoff is saying, “What a country!”

Jesus is Love



If He wasn’t, He would prolly give Kathy Griffin such a smack-down.

In case you haven’t heard, Kathy seemed to take exception to people thanking Jesus for the awards they won.

Kathy won an Emmy® award and used the occasion to blaspheme and to claim that her Emmy® was her god.

Now, it is interesting that Don Imus got slapped for calling Black women “nappy headed hoes” and Michael “Kramer” Richards got slapped for using the N-word.

So then... how can Hollywood laugh at a joke that invokes the name of Jesus in a negative way?

Sigh...

Monday, September 10, 2007

R.I.P. Jane Wyman



The Oscar® winning actress who was first wife of President Ronald Reagan has exited the planet.

She was a great talent and will be missed.

Rerunski in Russky

I remember one of the Fox network’s first big hits, Married With Children. Well, that classic of bad TV (that made Christina Applegate the fantasy of guys 13 to 30 -- after her previous series Heart of the City died a painful death). Well, there is a remake of Married With Children that is only availble in Russia. In fact, it is in Russian!

You can log onto The New York Times web site to see a video clip of “Schastlivy Vmeste.” !

Friday, September 7, 2007

Iran’s Pro-Israel Show is a Hit

I saw an article in today’s Wall Street Journal about Iran’s unlikely TV hit, an hour-long drama with elaborate 1940’s era costumes and European locations. It is the most expensive program ever aired by Iranian Channel One.

The most surprising thing about this show, however, is that it is a sympathetic retelling of the experience of the Jews during World War II.

That’s right, the country whose president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, called for the extermination of Israel and declared that the Holocaust was a myth, produces a love story between an Iranian-Palestinian Muslim man and a French Jewish woman. A story that is currently the most popular show on Iranian television.

Part of the rationale is that Iranians see a distinction between Jewish people and the Government of Israel (which it believes to be a racist state). That explains the existence of roughly 25,000 Jews in Iran -- one of whom is a member of the Iranian Parliament.

You can watch “Zero Degree Turn” on-line at:

http://tv1.irib.ir/barnameha/sharhefilm.asp?code=0011109036106

Fake Osama Bin Laden Foils APEC Security


You probably have already heard about the Australian comedy troupe that breached security at the APEC and got up to the hotel where President Bush was lodging.

It was an embarrassment for those responsible for securing the APEC but will guarantee these comedians their 15 minutes of fame.

And we would not be surprised if those 15 minutes of fame are accompanied by 15 months in jail.

Let’s hope these boys get Paris Hilton’s lawyer... maybe they will be out in time for the weekend?

Thursday, September 6, 2007

R.I.P. Effi Barry



We were saddened to learn that Washingtobn DC’s former first lady has lost her battle with leukemia.

Many remember the infamous videotape of former Washington DC Mayor Marion Barry in a hotel room, asking a woman for sex and smoking crack cocaine. This was perhaps the straw that broke the back of their marriage, but it never stopped Effi from caring for or supporting her former husband.

The citizens of the nation’s capitol, and the world, mourns the loss of a great woman who championed many causes to give people better lives. This includes her fight for AIDS and HIV education and funding.

During her own health battle, she increased the public’s awareness of the need for more bone marrow contributors. Sadly, her match was never found and she lost her struggle at the far too young age of 63.

Effi Barry lay in repose at the District Building in the 1300 block of Pennsylvania Avenue in Northwest Washington DC.

Her funeral service will be held Sept. 14 at 11 a.m. at the National Cathedral. Keep the family in your prayers.

R.I.P. Luciano Pavarotti


The great tenor lost his battle with cancer and is now singing in another dimension.

His great quote, now an epitaph, reads:

“Penso che una vita per la musica sia una vita spensa bene ed è a questo che mi sono didicato”

“I think a life in music is a life beautifully spent and this is what I have devoted my life to”

Pavarotti did indeed live a life devoted to music. He brought opera, once the realm of the upper strata of society, to the hoi polloi.

Pavarotti not only shared the stage with other great operatic voices but with popular musicians such as Bono.

The great tenor (perhaps one of the greatest voices in history) will be missed.

Our prayers for his family, friends, and fellow citizens of the great town of Modena.

Saturday, September 1, 2007

Veronica Mars Meets Sylar

The latest word is that Kristen Bell, star of the cancelled UPN/CW series “Veronica Mars” will be joining the cast of the NBC/Sci-Fi Channel series “Heroes.”

E! Online also reports that the blonde from Motown will be singing with her new rock band as well. I hope it is something better than the pancreas shriveling number she did on an awards ceremony a while ago.

Entertainment Weekly mentioned that Bell was originally offered a role on the ABC series “Lost” but chose Heroes because she didn’t want to move to Hawaii and she is a bit of a geek at heart.

Geek on the inside... hottie on the outside... what more can you ask for?

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